Revolutionizing the Web with AI!
Ladies and gentlemen, feast your eyes on Gil's latest miracle! We're using the power of AI to make designers and front-end developers as obsolete as my last career! Why hire talented professionals when you can have our AI cobble together a website that's almost functional?
(Disclaimer: Our AI may occasionally produce websites that look like they were designed by a cat walking across a keyboard. But hey, that's the price of innovation!)
100x AWS Power
It's like regular AWS, but way more expensive!
Experience the thrill of overpaying for cloud services. It's not just computing, it's computing with style!
AI-Generated UIs
Because human-designed UIs are so last season
Our AI creates UIs that even we don't understand. Impress your clients with inexplicable design choices!
Unbeatable Pricing
If you can afford it, you're not paying enough
Our prices are so high, you'll wonder if we made a mistake. Spoiler: We didn't!
Join Gil's Cloud Authentication Revolution!
Are you ready to be the Jack-of-all-trades (and master of none) in the world of questionable cloud security?
We're hiring an all-in-one PM/engineer/marketer/therapist to bring Gil's "Maybe Secure" technology to market!
Earn a commission-based salary that might, if you're lucky, reach the dizzying heights of a regular paycheck!
Launch before EOY, or whenever Gil remembers what EOY stands for!
Rebuild a competitor's dashboard within ours, because why innovate when you can complicate?
Gil's Unbeatable Offer:
We'll give you 30-70% of a regular salary, and a commission structure that's as clear as mud! If you work really, really hard, you might even make as much as a regular job! Maybe!
Apply now, before Gil remembers he can't afford to pay anyone!
Serverless Servers: The Future is Now(ish)!
Folks, have you heard about serverless? Well, forget all that! Introducing Gil's Serverless Servers - it's like serverless, but with actual servers! Maybe!
Experience the thrill of not knowing if your code is running on a server, the cloud, or in Gil's garage!
Our proprietary "Schrödinger's Server" technology - your function is both running and not running until you check your bill!
Enjoy the best of both worlds: the complexity of servers with the unpredictability of serverless!
"In-function concurrency" so advanced, even we don't know what's happening!
Gil's Personal Guarantee:
If you can figure out how this actually works, I'll give you my last dollar! (Please don't figure it out, I really need that dollar.)
Sign up now, before I remember this makes no sense!
Gil's Super Duper Premium Logging
Because regular logs are for regular folks!
Why settle for $30 worth of AWS logs when you can have $3,000 worth of Gil's premium logs? That's right, folks! For just 100 times the price, you get:
- Logs so detailed, they'll log your logs!
- AI-enhanced log analysis that even Gil can't understand!
- Exclusive "Gil's Gut Feeling" log interpretations!
- Log storage so secure, even you might not be able to access it!
Limited Time Offer!
Sign up now and get a free* "I Overpaid for Logs and All I Got Was This Digital T-Shirt" NFT!
*Free with your $3,000 log package. Digital T-Shirt may or may not actually exist.
Uncash: Rate Limiting for the Overwhelmed
Why do it yourself when you can pay us to do it... sort of?
Introducing Uncash, the revolutionary rate limiting service funded by coins Gil found in his couch! Because who said spare change can't fuel a tech startup?
- Rate limiting that's slower than Gil's sales pitch, but twice as confusing!
- Proprietary "CouchCoin" algorithm - as reliable as Gil's financial advice!
- Guaranteed to make your simple rate limiting task feel like rocket science!
- Why implement a few lines of code when you can integrate our entire service?
Gil's Special Offer!
Sign up now and get a genuine* piece of Gil's couch lint with every subscription!
*Genuineness not guaranteed. Lint may be sourced from other furniture.
D'ohQLite: Your SQLite, But Cloud-ier!
Because local databases are so last century!
Ladies and gentlemen, have I got a deal for you! Introducing D'ohQLite, the revolutionary service that takes your simple, efficient SQLite database and gives it wings! Why keep your data grounded when it can soar through the clouds?
- Experience the thrill of your data traveling the world! It's like a vacation for your bytes!
- Enjoy our "Springfield Sync" feature - it's almost as reliable as my last job!
- Why settle for instant local queries when you can savor the anticipation of cloud latency?
- Our servers are guarded 24/7 by the finest security this side of Mr. Burns' hounds!
Gil's Honest Guarantee!
If our service goes down more than twice a day, I'll personally come and do your dishes! And let's be honest, you might be seeing a lot of me...
*Dish-washing service subject to availability. Gil may substitute with a heartfelt apology.
Ready to Overpay?
Sign up now before Gil changes his mind!